Someone Big, Somewhat Lost – Beginnings

It is rather difficult to describe to anyone where it all started. You see, I was too young to understand where I was. Then again, how would you identify a place that is white or colourless. I lived on a small island – more like the size of an iceberg. I assume I was somewhere located along the Atlantic Ocean. It was impossible to see the sky because of the blockade of clouds that appeared to cloak any source of colour. Not even did the oceans reflect. If I were to describe what it felt like, I would say claustrophobic, painful and cold. Seriously, cold.

These clouds weren’t normal, I don’t think. They influenced pain and depression. I still can’t think of a time when they never stopped firing. I mean, they were constantly unleashing never-ending waves of knives that stabbed me and instead of bleeding, I cried. I dare call them snowflakes for what they have caused. And once they plant into the ground, they never seem to disappear. I blame the climate for trapping pain into my life; I can feel it now. The deep freeze burns me and never goes away without leaving a mark. That is why I left there. Well, actually it was pretty much accidental but it was the best thing that ever happened in my life.

Before I go on about my escape from the nightmare, I have to feed you with some background details. Have I even introduced myself yet? No, I haven’t. I am Celestite and I am a Polar Bear. I…had a family who brought me up on South Peak. To begin with, it was quite a civilised island where my mum and dad used to hang around with other polar bears that would give a hand by helping to raise me and my brother up. This was what I was told by one of them anyway. However over time, my parent took it for granted whilst they were “busily” having a social life with each other and leaving all the hard work with Cookie and Pete. I would happily call them my Aunt and Uncle because they never thought of abandoning me under any circumstances, unlike my parents. The most admiring thing about them both is that they never bothered about the way they were treated. They obviously knew that they were doing something voluntary for nothing but the truth behind why they kept going was because of…me! Yes, I was definitely a charm back when I was very young. Cookie told me that my smiles always brightened her day when times were tough. Apparently things weren’t going too well – financially – for Cookie and Pete but I was obviously too young to notice. Now I just feel guilty about leaving them without any sign of gratitude for what they have done for me.

If only I can see them one more time…Besides all the financial problems, morale was high and that kept everyone on South Peak going. As time progressed, being able to see my parents became more rare which was a shame but I believe that Cookie and Pete did what they could for me. Unfortunately, life can’t be bright forever and you can probably guess that whatever happened, affected life a lot for me. So much that it led me to a nastier world where life isn’t fair and indeed painful.

Little did civilians, on South Peak, know what was beneath the community. Literally, something life-changing happened and I guess nature was responsible. It bugs me how slight the chances are in this happening but all I can say is that an underwater volcano erupted. You can figure out the rest. Traumatising. Unbelievable. Divided. These were the thoughts rushing through everybody’s heads at the time. South Peak became smaller mentally and indeed physically too. The eruption had caused the island to weaken until it just split in several parts. Land was destroyed by voyaging molten rock which had eventually cooled to help block off any further eruptions. Most importantly, the pressure of the water tore the island apart and the worst thing about it is that it happened unexpectedly. Within a couple of seconds, lives were lost. Within a couple of hours, South Peak was divided and within a couple of days, I had drifted away.

Remember what I said at the beginning, this is what I tried to describe what life was like before I escaped. The impact of life was so big then that it was the first thing I personally remember from my early life as an infant polar bear. Luckily I was still together with Cookie and Pete on a small iceberg off the island. We tried to reconstruct shelter but the constant battering of the snow made us lose vision and hope. Somehow the weather had changed in the skies above and made the situation much worse. No longer could we see blue in the sky. It seemed too unnatural and unlucky to assist the volcano eruption. It was typical. It was there on purpose, but why?

On this iceberg, we slowly lost sight of anyone else and we were moving. Imagine a plain canvas. The entire canvas represents the ocean and a small dot represents South Peak. We were even smaller than that tiny dot and the lack of colour disorientated out bearings. I was still young to list a lot of details but I think we were one of the only few who survived the disaster. Not many polar bears were able to gain altitude on South Peak since it was mostly populated on the coast where relief was very shallow. Cookie and Pete were too poor to afford a property down by the coast so this explains why they lived so high up on the island. The population up there was sparse. I think, for once Cookie and Pete were lucky to even survive the eruption. So lucky that they described it was “meant to be”! This wasn’t the case for my mum and dad. They moved away from me and lost more than what they had. I wish they were there to support me more. They were selfish.

Okay, I have avoided something here. I might as well tell you now. The main reason why I was abandoned by my parents was because they couldn’t cope with me. They could cope with my eldest brother – Tike – but for some reason I was too difficult to take care of. Yes, I was actually adopted by Cookie and Pete but this wasn’t even official. My family literally abandoned me on the mountains of South Peak but luckily I was found unwell by a lovely couple. Cookie and Pete saved my life. And I never even called them mum or dad for it…

For my age, back then, I was quite large. Cookie always called me a “brave biggie” who is big enough to carry on with life. For a biggie I was small inside. Still unable to identify who I was, what I was doing and where I really belong. All of these thoughts drove me to something special. My escape. Why do I call it an escape? Well, I fell out with Cookie and Pete because I lost my attachment with them. All these thoughts about my life and my purpose lead me to a massive strop. I wanted to leave and I somehow managed to.

After my strop, I was sitting at the end of the iceberg. I was hurt and lost. I finally wanted to see colour again and I wanted to clear my mind from all the negative thoughts that were rushing through my head so I tried to split the iceberg by stomping on it. Before any damage was dealt with, Pete was there to pull me back and I refused. He knew that I was big enough to escape the iceberg but I took it in a cruel way. As a result, I kicked him and he fell back. An adult-sized polar bear, rammed into the iceberg and I suddenly split off. Cookie rushed over towards Pete to see what happened and then glanced at me before I disappeared into the misty atmosphere. It was something amazing but tearing at the same time. I had lost the only people who I could trust but I was heading into a future where life would be different. I almost died on that iceberg because of the freezing temperatures and the lack of resources. It was life saving. Sometimes I think fate caused the iceberg to split because I truly wasn’t prepared for it as soon as Pete had caught me. I begin to miss Pete and Cookie and I can’t stop feeling responsible for their suffering alone on that iceberg after all they had done for me. I hate to think where they ended up and this breaks me apart every single day. I was stranded on this even smaller iceberg. Was I going to survive? I felt like it was meant to be and it just so happened that I escaped that storm. The skies turned blue once more and I was aware of what was around me.

Sometimes I think that  it was Cookie and Pete who kept me alive on an iceberg without anything for a long time. It was a miracle to still be living on a tiny iceberg with no idea on where I could turn up. I have no idea on how I survived but I think it was something to do with what happened while I was asleep. Every time I woke up I felt healthy and it kept me struggling on for months and months until I finally found what I was looking for. A future.

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